*serious situation*
My brain:
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.