her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy