Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN