POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
this is funnier than any friends episode
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.