The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
You Might Also Like
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog