As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
pizza
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard