While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
quarantine day 3
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
#Caturday
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.