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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.