Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
found this cool rock hiking today
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Who’s your best friend?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too