wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.