Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
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Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
The Assassin.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”