My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”