perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
You Might Also Like
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.