[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]