it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You Might Also Like
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?