Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.