tis the season
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.