Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
You Might Also Like
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..