My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.