Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*