Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”