What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ugh not again
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.