‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My background check bounced.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”