me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me 2 months after i graduated
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.