surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”