me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
You Might Also Like
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!