Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
lmao
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?