Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Poetry is my passion
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.