If a snake ate a cake
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
We’re all getting idioter.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.