CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
paddle faster i hear baby shark
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.