Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas