Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
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If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
👾👾👾
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.