❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.