I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Meeeee too!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir