I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!