My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
You Might Also Like
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.