Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.