I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Clients after you give them your rates
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1