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[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
relationship goals
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?