to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You Might Also Like
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.