prepare for carbonated trouble
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them