Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
So true for me
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.