*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?