My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here