Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Hero horse inspires millions
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”