*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Oops I deleted….
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.