Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born