I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?