piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Finally!
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.