ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.